I am a big fan of dogs. I have seen all their movies, Airbud, K-9, Airbud: Golden Receiver, Turner and Hooch, Airbud: World Pup, Beethoven, Airbud: Seventh Inning Fetch, Beethoven 2nd, Benji, Airbud: Spikes Back. As much as I love these canine companions I would not want to be one. No thank you.
I know plenty of people who feel otherwise though, and at the drop of a hat would become dog. These dog wannabes tend to say things like,
"Oh all they do all day is sleep and hang out, what a great life" or,
"Oh they don't have a care in the world and everybody loves them" or
"They take shits in public without shame or persecution"
"All of them can reach their penises and vaginas with their mouths, all of them!"
Although these statements are all true and somewhat appealing, my human non-dog friends tend to forget something...
I know plenty of people who feel otherwise though, and at the drop of a hat would become dog. These dog wannabes tend to say things like,
"Oh all they do all day is sleep and hang out, what a great life" or,
"Oh they don't have a care in the world and everybody loves them" or
"They take shits in public without shame or persecution"
"All of them can reach their penises and vaginas with their mouths, all of them!"
Although these statements are all true and somewhat appealing, my human non-dog friends tend to forget something...
Dogs are dumb.
Not "ignorance is bliss" dumb like that tend to think. Dog are "afraid of the world" dumb. And yes I know dogs are smart in that they can help blind people and sniff out bombs and call 911 when their owner accidentally chokes himself a little too hard with a studded belt, but for all intents and purposes dogs are stupid knuckleheads that see death at every corner.
For instance, my girlfriend's dog recently had a seizure because of the noise the recycling truck made when emptying out some glass filled bins (don't worry he's just fine, and still adorable). I know this is an extreme example but it proves that a dog's inability to understand the world makes them think that every loud noise or person they don't know or a menacing looking tree signifies the end of days. When an owner leaves his or her dog to go to work that dog will cry and whimper and pretty much freak the fuck out every time. It does this because it thinks the weird two legged giant who feeds it and cuddles with it and makes sure it doesn't die is leaving... FOREVER. Being a dog is like being a paranoid schizophrenic with "50 First Dates" style amnesia.
So to you people who want to step into a Steve Urkelesque machine and turn into a delightful little pekingese, enjoy taking a fear shit every time there's a thunder storm... and then eating that shit.
Not "ignorance is bliss" dumb like that tend to think. Dog are "afraid of the world" dumb. And yes I know dogs are smart in that they can help blind people and sniff out bombs and call 911 when their owner accidentally chokes himself a little too hard with a studded belt, but for all intents and purposes dogs are stupid knuckleheads that see death at every corner.
For instance, my girlfriend's dog recently had a seizure because of the noise the recycling truck made when emptying out some glass filled bins (don't worry he's just fine, and still adorable). I know this is an extreme example but it proves that a dog's inability to understand the world makes them think that every loud noise or person they don't know or a menacing looking tree signifies the end of days. When an owner leaves his or her dog to go to work that dog will cry and whimper and pretty much freak the fuck out every time. It does this because it thinks the weird two legged giant who feeds it and cuddles with it and makes sure it doesn't die is leaving... FOREVER. Being a dog is like being a paranoid schizophrenic with "50 First Dates" style amnesia.
So to you people who want to step into a Steve Urkelesque machine and turn into a delightful little pekingese, enjoy taking a fear shit every time there's a thunder storm... and then eating that shit.
Retractions: After reading this post my girlfriend made me aware that I have incorrectly identified the gender of her dog, Roxy "Wub" Shae in paragraph two. Roxy is not a male. Roxy is a female. My sincerest apologizes go out to the Shae family, most specifically Roxy for not only getting her gender incorrect but using her medical condition to enhance my bullshit blog.